No matter how harsh I criticize you, believe me, it is nothing compared to how I criticize myself
So here’s the thing. I’ve just stumbled upon a moment of realization — I am a perfectionist indeed. There’s a chance that at least one of you who are reading this are also a perfectionist — well at least about specific things, let it be your academics, your achievements, your hobbies, you name it. This post is dedicated to those who are constantly get caught under the pressure of judgment by themselves. I feel you all.
A perfectionist is defined as someone who refuses any standard below perfection. Perfection is the state of being perfect. Something is considered perfect when it has all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics — as good as it is possible to be. Understand these definitions properly if you wish to proceed.
We humans have standards. Let it be communal-personal, qualitative-quantitative, etc. Those standards are applied in order to provide guidelines for execution and evaluation purposes, meaning that by having standards about something can lead us to make proper decisions and after the decisions was made, the results are then compared to that standards which act as references. Just like a control system. Below is a diagram of a control system along with the building components.
In this case, I’m going to model our mind using this diagram:
Reference Input = Standards
Actuating Signal = Required actions/decisions
Control Elements = The mind
Manipulated Variable = Revised actions/decisions
Plant = You
Disturbance = Anything that may distract you along the way
Controlled Variable = The actual outcome of the process after the actions/decisions were executed
Feedback Elements = Evaluation of the previously established actual outcome
Feedback Signal = Result of the evaluation process
That round thing with plus and minus signs = Part of your mind that compares the actual outcome to the standards
The presence of this model diagram is to give you all a more detailed view of how your mind works —regardless consciously or unconsciously. By knowing the components and their contributions to the system, one might be able to make the task of troubleshooting easier when something goes wrong (seriously, this method works, saved me a lot of time on many cases).
Now that the model is established, can you guess which one is faulty the moment you become a perfectionist?
It’s the “Reference Input” — the standards!
In order to function properly, a control system’s reference input must be as clear as possible: a state that you can define properly or something you can measure. When the reference input is undefinable or immeasurable, the system — in this case you — would likely go bonkers. Now, go back to the definition of the word perfect. Let me ask you this:
Think of something that triggers your perfectionist attitude. Ask yourself what is the perfect outcome of that thing supposed to be? Can you define it? Can you measure it? If you can, ask yourself again — is it really the perfect state of that thing?
Like, what song do you consider perfect? What painting do you consider perfect? What aircraft do you consider perfect? What kind of man/woman do you consider perfect? Absolute perfection, perfect for you, or only somehow perfectly clicks with you? (Yep, those three things are different, surprise-surprise). You may take a moment to think about this.
Now imagine your state of mind when it becomes a perfectionist as a flat two-dimensional plane. Now use the other part of your imagination to take a top view of that plane. What do you think of that plane? Not really in a good shape, eh? Just like a war zone. You might see one you being punished and agitated by another you because that other you is not pleased with whatever the first you have done. It’s like you’re engaged in a battle with yourself — a battle you can not win because, well, the winner is your so called perfect standards.
The worst thing about being a perfectionist is probably the cause which is constant need of approval from someone — either someone else or yourself. Sounds strange but believe me, fact. I mean, why do you crave for perfection if you are under no obligation to present the perfect outcome? (the act of presenting something requires the presence of a presenter and at least an audience). This unhealthy approval seeking tendency is usually built over a long period of time above lack of appreciation which acts as the foundation. Classic cases are, for example:
- Parents constantly comparing their kid to other kids
- A person comparing oneself to others, let it be about wealth, intelligence, relationship, achievement, etc.
How can I escape this state of mind?
That war inside your head (Dream Theater reference, some of you might notice — nope,on second thought, I don’t think so. Who listens to Dream Theater nowadays? Well, I do!) can only be put to an end when you’ve come to the moment of acceptance — accepting that perfection doesn’t really exist in… practically everything. Don’t sink yourself in denial and desperation. Not worth the time according to my experience. Don’t ever use nonexistent things or beings as your standards. Stop valuing yourself by your achievements only, you’re much more than that. Remind yourself that you as a human being are inherently valuable. You can’t have everything — choices have to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to stop you from developing yourself further. I’m just asking you to stop being nonsensical, not asking you to stop doing your best. For your own health. For the sake your own mind. How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself? How can you end conflicts with others when you can’t end conflicts with yourself?
Ask yourself this contemplative question my friend Mity once asked me:
Aren’t you tired of constantly raging out at yourself?
